7 Ways to Get Your Roommate to Leave You

July 14th, 2008 | by Chris Mendes

Due to the controversy of my 7 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Class, I decided to just write a similar story in the hopes of pissing off some more humorless people.

Here is the best ways I could think of to try to get rid of your roommate either to get a new one or not have a roommate at all. I have only tried a couple of these so am not entirely sure they will all work.

1. Stay awake until your roommate is sleeping and then secretly take pictures of him or her. Show all your friends and laugh about the different sleeping positions your roommate has. An alternative to this is to film him or her, especially if he or she snores.

2. When you have some free time, find your roommate and watch him or her. Correct whatever it is he or she is doing and help them do it the “right” way. Fun things include typing on the computer, brushing his or her teeth, doing his or her homework, sleeping in a certain position, chewing, shaving, and pretty much anything else.

3. Become needy of your roommate. Always ask where he or she is going when your roommate leaves the room, even if it is to go to the bathroom. You can also try calling continuously and asking him or her, “Well, where are you now?” or “Are you almost home?”

4. If you and your roommate do not know each other very well, try the following: always refer to your roommate as “your best buddy,” ask to hold hands when you are out in public, or try cuddling with him or her when watching TV.

5. Have “nightmares” every night and scream loudly, remembering to sometimes throw your roommate’s name into the mix. You can even try getting out of bed to do some “sleep walking.” Never acknowledge this if your roommate asks about it.

6. Put all your dirty dishes in your roommate’s side of the room (or in your roommate’s room) until he or she cleans them. Always deny having done so. After your roommate cleans the dishes, you can take them all back until another cleaning is needed. Not only is this a good way to get rid of your roommate but this actually makes him or her useful for the time he or she is there.

7. If you and your roommate actually share a room, tell him or her that you must sleep with the lights on. Possible excuses include night terrors, the buggy-man, acne, you used to live in Alaska, you hate the environment, you sleep with your eyes open, etc.

Good luck!

[Picture credit: Javier Zubiri (titochavi) | Orignially Published August 28, 2007]