How to Declare War on Your Deadlines: Last-Minute Advice

Image by Ivo Posthumus

Image by Ivo Posthumus

Whoops, your deadline is just a few days away and you have done nothing on your essay. Other students have spent weeks reading the right books for the essay, and you have zoned it out until the last minute. You are now in an emergency situation so you are going to have to take a military stance on the situation your find yourself in. Here are a few military-esque maneuvers you should follow in order to ensure that you do not fail your assignment/project.

Declare war on the situation

This means that you need to spend all of your time working on your essay, and refusing anything else. Sleeping and eating are your only luxuries you will enjoy from now until your deadline.

You really need to take a hard line with yourself and understand that your lax standards and work ethic are the reasons why you are in this mess. With that in mind, you then need to resolve to take the strictest actions possible to ensure you are not going to fail.

Collect together your enemies and hit them one at a time

Deadlines are your enemies, so you need to gather them together in a timeline so you can see what needs to be done first. You need to prioritize your work, by figuring out what needs to be done first and which needs to be done last. You also need to figure out which ones are going to land you in the most trouble if you miss them.

You also need to look at which ones you can skim over quickly without too many negative repercussions from your teachers. For example, the busy work from one class may be quickly done in a flimsy effort if it gives you more time to dedicate to coursework essays that are due near the same time.

Beg, bribe or coerce your fellow comrades into letting you see their essay

War is never honorable or straight forwards, and neither can you be. It is to take some unscrupulous actions in order to make sure you do not fail. You may be averse to the idea of begging, but you need to put that notion behind you as you beg your classmates for a peek at their essay.

You may also consider bribing them, threatening them or making them promises (how far you go is up to you). Suffice it to say that if you are looking for options then unscrupulous methods should not be forgotten. It may not be pretty, but it is sometimes necessary in emergencies.

Call in for a UN resolution

In other words you need to go to the boss and tell some lies to get what you want. Contact your teachers and ask for an extension. You need to find out (indirectly) under what terms people are allowed an extension on a deadline. Do not ask the teachers yourself or you will give yourself away.

Once you have found out which ones will get you the extensions, you need to lie through your teeth. There is no limit to how low you tell your lies, and to be frank, it may be necessary to tell some awful lies in order to get what you wish. If you have the bare faced cheek and the guts to see it through, then there you can really move beyond the concerns of the ethical, into saying whatever you must in order to get the extension.

Pay some hired mercenaries to finish the job clean

If you are still failing to complete the task, and the other tips have either not worked or you do not have the courage to try them, then you need to contact an essay writing service (mercenary troops). This is a writing service that is going to do the job for you. They will write your essay, as per your instructions, and submit it back to you for a fee. Of course, this is a cheating and extreme actions. Professor Richard Gunderman from Indiana University in his article for The Atlantic magazine tells one funny story:

A colleague tells the following story. A student in an undergraduate course recently submitted a truly first-rate term paper. In form, it was extremely well crafted, exhibiting a level of writing far beyond the typical undergraduate. In substance, it did a superb job of analyzing the text and offered a number of trenchant insights. It was clearly A-level work. There was only one problem: It markedly exceeded the quality of any other assignment the student had submitted all semester.

These services have names such as College-paper.org, and Essayontime.com.¬†Bestessays.com¬†claims that “70% of Students use Essay Writing service at least once [sic]” and boasts that all its writers have M.A. and Ph.D. degrees.”

Take all adequate precautions to be sure that you are not ripped off, or that your essay is not plagiarized. Make sure that you purchase from a company that you trust, and preferably one that has native English speaking employees. That is, unless you are of an ethnic origin yourself, where you may wish to have a few translation/grammar mistakes in there so that it looks like your work.

Conclusion

You do need to look upon this situation as if it were a military operation, and you need to go about it with the same amount of discipline and vigor. This is because it is most likely your lack of discipline that has landed you in this trouble, so forcing yourself into a disciplined state of mind is your only way out.

You need to plan and then attack. You need to understand exactly what you are going to do, and then you need to do it in the most efficient manner possible. Deciding to do a certain amount of work every night is not enough; you need a plan in order to correctly direct your efforts. It is very easy to do a lot of work and get nowhere, which is why you need to stick to your plan of action.

Be prepared to do whatever it takes. If the situation were not an emergency situation, then other measures could be taken. But that is not the situation you find yourself in, and you cannot afford to be subtle. You cannot afford to be anything but ruthless and single minded; otherwise your emergency will quickly become a disaster.

5 Thoughts on “How to Declare War on Your Deadlines: Last-Minute Advice”

  1. Great use of my photo, thanks for mentioning!

  2. Hilarious Article!
    Some more tips if you want to get shit done.
    1. Use dashes. This is probably one of the best ways to get things done. What you do is set a timer for 25 minutes, during this time you will not doing anything else other than work on your assignment. Once the time up take a 5 minute break then repeat.
    2. Just Write, Edit Later. The problem with most people is starting. Getting something on the paper is the most difficult thing in the world. So what you want to do is just write, write whatever comes to your head, don’t overthink anything thats for later, all you want to do is get all your thoughts on the paper and you will edit and fix it up later, that is why writers have multiple drafts.
    3. Don’t Multi-Task. You can’t do it and even if you can you can’t do it well. Focus on one task, slaughter it, then continue on doing the next task.

  3. @Ivo: Thanks, it’s a great photo, man!

    @Adrien: Great tips! #1 reminds me of the Pomodoro Technique.

  4. That’s what we’ve all been waiting for! Great pontisg!

  5. I’d venture that this article has saved me more time than any other.

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