Today, I will teach you all how to win a fight, i.e. beat someone up (but only if they deserve it). These techniques should only be used for self defense and if there is no way out of a fight. The best way to not to lose a fight is not to fight at all. Before we begin, let me go through some basic fight etiquette so we can familiarize ourselves with them.
- No man-verse-woman fighting. Women can be vicious, men, so this is for your safety.
- No three-on-one fighting unless you are fighting Jet Li. This is for you Hispanics, especially. Don’t get your primos Juan and Hector to help you out in your fight.
- No kicking in the balls (unless he really deserves it).
- No ripping each others clothes. This is not a strip show; it is a fight.
- Also, you generally shouldn’t hit someone unless they are already aware that you are trying to do so. If they manage to get up after, you might have one angry mo-fo on your behind.
- Lastly, do not hit someone after they are incapable of hitting you any more, i.e. if he is on the ground screaming like a little girl. This is generally considered assault even if the other person started the fight.
Alright, now that we know how to be chivalrous let’s get started with some actual fighting tips after the jump.
How to not get hit: The best thing you can do to help you win a fight is to not get hit. Two things will aid you here. One, you need to be aware if someone might try to throw a fast one on you (just because you are following the rules does not mean they have to too). Be aware of that right hook, or else the fight will be over before it began. I have seen this happen one too many times, so don’t let it happen to you. The second thing you can do occurs when you are already fighting someone. Do not get into their reach until you are ready to either hit them or counter what they throw at you. If they cannot reach you, they cannot hit you. Be advised that people who kick have at least double the range, but not many people kick.
How to hit: What can you hit them with? You have so many options. Let me list some for you. You can punch them with either hand, kick them (be advised that if you kick people with your shoe on in certain state, i.e. Massachusetts, it is considered “assault with a dangerous weapon”), head butt them, etc. Each of these “weapons” can hit in multiple ways. I will let you discover that on your own since I am trying to keep this relatively short for my ADD readers.
When to hit: This is just as important, if not more important, than how to hit. Timing is everything. A good time to hit someone is right after they missed you. Move in hit them and back off so they do not have time to counter you. Also, any time the other person is not expecting to be hit is a good time, since it will take them longer to realize you are about to hit them. But you already knew that, right?
Fighting against two or more: This is not good for you. Always, try to avoid fighting multiple people at all costs. Here is my math equation to help you understand this a bit more: X^2 is equal to the level of difficult of fighting X amount of people (i.e. if you fight one person you have one level of difficulty, but if you fight two people you have four level of difficulty). If there is no other way, it still can be done. What you must be constantly doing is moving around in such a way so that you only fight one person at a time. One way you can achieve this is to line the others up behind the person you are fighting so that they get in each other’s way. I warn you though, this is extremely tiring. Another way you can beat this fight is just knock out one of the other fighters right away. This will intimidate the heck out of the other fighters and thus giving you a big advantage.
Well, that is about all you need to win a fight. Do not do anything stupid and remember that practice makes perfect. Where are those little annoying neighborhood kids when you need them? Just kidding. Have fun and stay safe.