Lulu’s Lunacy: Abstinence Only

Hi everyone!

Time for another dose of lunacy. Pretty soon you’ll be addicted.

Long ago, I found this hilarious website, but I forgot about it until I saw a sketch on Daily Show today. This website makes abstinence look great, fun, and even possibly sexually appealing!

Highlights from AbstinenceOnly.org (seriously, it exists -Lulu)

Home Page

“Here’s some fun things that faith partners can do besides have sex.” -Yay, fun!
“1) Go out to a movie or watch TV! Make some popcorn and have a popcorn party!” -Boring
“2) Engage in wholesome sports activities or play board games like checkers, chess or Monopoly!” -Yawn
“3) Rigorously rub your face, body and genitalia against those of your faith partner until orgasm. (Also known as ‘faith-fucking’)” -Now, we’re talking!

Ask Dr. Frist

“Remember also that whenever you masturbate, God kills a kitten.” -Geez, only one kitten?

“A Special Note to you Gals…Girls, make no mistake: your virginity is the most valuable and precious thing you have. Don’t waste it. I say this not only as a doctor and man of faith, but also as a political leader with close personal ties to rich, powerful men willing to pay millions for virgins in their twenties. Seriously: Millions.” -Sounds like a good deal, so…who do I call?

Homosexual Abstinence

“The Bible states it plainly in Leviticus: “Man shall not lie with man as he does with woman.” So there you have it: Standard Missionary is right out. For the gals: you’re off the hook. Anything goes. As far as the Lord’s concerned, it’s Beaver Season all year ‘round.” -O RLY? Dam…

Do I have your interest piqued now? For more abstinence action, visit www.abstinenceonly.org