No Sex Tonight

i-command-you.jpgAs everyone who is old enough to be in college should know, women have one a very strange power over men. No matter what people say, women are better able to control their sex drives and they use this power over men for all sorts of reasons.

The following is a fun story by chief at Ofuzi I read a few months back about a guy with a funny analogy about this sort of thing. Just read it:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.


[picture: Nara Vieira da Silva Osga]

56 Thoughts on “No Sex Tonight”

  1. HAHAHAHAHA, greatest story ever. Doubt if it’s true, but oh man…

  2. LOL. That story made my day.

  3. If it isn’t true it should be. There are so many of these games people play– from the bitch at the bank who won’t cash your check and enjoys saying no, to the person who hires you at a job who looks for any reason to be able to find you unworthy, to the girl who denies sex cause she knows it’s in her power to do so. They’re all idiots and jerks. They’re the sludge that takes the joy out of life and they enjoy it.

  4. That’s an old internet joke. It never happened to ANYONE!

  5. Wayne-

    that was a beautiful rant you just had, man. Having a bad day?

  6. Yea. I guess it was a rant. Sorry

  7. I think that’s the 4th story I read when I started on the Internet… in 1988…

    Here’s a story that will show you how cool a wife can be:

  8. This cannot be funnier. :)

  9. I think this joke is quite old…hopefully it is not true!!

  10. Who cares if it’s true or not, or how old it is. It makes a very valid point about human behavior and contemporary morays by pointing out some of societies ills in a humorous way.
    Love this story and wish everyone had this guys balls. I don’t think people give us poor guys much credit for the shit we have to put up with sometimes.

  11. this is so true…

    sometimes she just wants to hold me and i go for all the kissings and stuff..

  12. […] // […]

  13. This is precisely why I cheat, I have needs, and if the one I am with is unwilling to meet those needs, there are plenty of other takers who will.

    And after it all shakes out I am the bad guy.

  14. Real nice come back on that one man, not going to lie. I haven’t had the misfortune to run into this situation with my lovely girl friend quite yet, I have a feeling it won’t need to come to this either!

  15. BURN

  16. Awesome

  17. haha! you go out with materialistic bitches

  18. haha.. too funny.. tit for tat

  19. HaHaHa. This story made my day!

  20. its great buddy, simply great

  21. greattt!!!!!!! simply made mah day man….

  22. its a gud fuckin joke.there are quite a gud number of such bitches these days

  23. This is why you all don’t have girlfriends/wives. Get over yourself and realize that life isn’t just “please me, or leave”. What he did to her was much more heinous, she just explained her feelings, he maliciously went out of his way to hurt her.

  24. It is wrong thinking like that Deanna that contributes to over-population, pollution, wars, medical malpractice, fundamentalist christianity, crazy conservative politics, starvation, rap music, the destruction of the ozone layer, global warming, women having to wear sheets over their faces in many countries, greed and the widespread failure of man to love his fellow man as the Bible intended. The Koran also suggests we do this. I believe even the Jews think we should. I am sad Deanna that you’re stuck on such a low spiritual plane of existance. I ask you to do the right thing for yourself and for womankind- seek enlightenment. Visit the mountain top- ask for guidance- I believe the Lord will take notice of your plight in a few years or decades and He or She will set you straight.

  25. Wayne, I feel sorry for you, because clearly anyone who has an opinion different than you must be wrong.

    You’re a freaking idiot. No love. Deanna has a very good point.

  26. Uhm, it was a joke goofball.

  27. Actually, I think her point is very very wrong. Why do men deserve to be treated like that?
    Us women are bitches.
    We tease guys to a ridiculous extent and then just make them stop whenever we want. If you don’t call that malicious, then what he did in return shouldn’t be considered malicious either. If she felt that way, she could have said so BEFORE leading him on to believe that he was going to get laid.

    So before you assume that these men don’t have wifes or girlfriends just because they think this is funny, maybe you should stop being such a feminist and thinking that girls are always right. Because we’re not. We aren’t full of sugar and spice and everything nice. We’re jerks.

  28. I have to agree with Deanna to an extent. The joke is amusing (if old, and somewhat chauvinistic–the whole “men like sex, women like men to buy them things” thing), but comments like “its a gud fuckin joke.there are quite a gud number of such bitches these days” don’t exactly suggest someone who’s interested in relationships as equal partnerships or emotional investments.

    But then, it’s the internet.

  29. old stupid story is old and stupid.

  30. I’m a woman and that story was amazing.
    I don’t care WHO wrote it. It’s brilliant.

  31. funny story, smart guy, anyone that has had to pay for a woman will recognize the oh, call it appropriate humor!
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. excuse me for that.

  32. That story is not impressive …it only shows how desperate a guy can get and the spitefulness with follow suit in there actions because of the desperation. If he was that damn horny he should have just masturbated. he must not really care for her because he was only wanting to “do” her and not be there for her when she needed him. i understand the needs of a man is greater than a women, but men should not sink that low to get a little arse. And as for the girl, she should realize that he could not afford her purchases and not try take advantage of him.

  33. I can see how that woman getting a comeuppance for her greediness would be amusing, but as a consequence for refusing sex, the story was not funny at all. The author is equating a woman putting out physically with a man putting out financially – Newsflash: She’s your girlfriend, not a hooker!

  34. That’s a lot of controversy over a story that may or may not be real. Not that I’m suprised, this debate is quite stereotypical to be honest. A few people have made a few valid points though. Here are my nominees for top comments:

    1. Nick. (Not for agreeing with Deanna, but for realising that innapropriate comments don’t really scream ‘Date me!’)

    2. Torey. (For realising that guys aren’t the only jerks on the planet, we can be, but we aren’t the only ones with that ability.)

    3. Wayne. (Not because Deanna’s thinking could actually cause that, but for being hilarious and giving sage advice to any who would follow it.)

    4. Brittany. (For being the only person to actually state the author’s equation. Some may call you captain obvious, but I think that deserves at least some recognition.)

  35. Hi Well I was about to tell you all what to do and there it was chris mendes said it. he’s got to be one of us who’s there to help you if you need help in anyway.women are not clever than men we are the same. but sex is so free and allot of women-men soon get fed up with the same routine. yes there is more to life than sex. I my self was nagged if I was watching a film and there was sex in it she would say oh is that why you stay up. of cause I would say. I phoned them up and told them I want a film with sex in it every night for you to come down to. that through me off sex. but last time we had sex 6-7 years don’t bother me I still love it but wont be un faithful to my partner. we still get on great. she use to mention it a few times but I just say no now. you made me feel Dirty with it. but I still love you thats all that matters doesn’t it.

  36. IMHO I believe both parties can have a more meaningful relation ship and date wisely without having sex. Sex is meant for marriage. The illustration though homourous only shows what sex has been reduced to, a game of give and take. Find out better ways to date Love dating and marriage relation ships.

  37. If my gf is being a cunt and gets horny I don’t fuck her sometimes… I just let her start sucking my cock and then finish before she gets her panties off… it lets her know who wears the pants. They need it occasionally, guys need to stop being such pussy whipped bitches, it makes it harder for all of us to get laid.

  38. Screw emotional support, when I’m in a bad mood, I just want a good, rough fuck.

    And shopping is overrated, anyways.

  39. what do you mean “internet joke”?

  40. By the way when you say win in the past tense it is spelt won not one.

  41. The story was amusing, made me laugh.
    Then I read some comments.
    Its pathetic how a lot of people here are thinking its accurate… why shouldn’t your own girlfriend want emotional happiness and satisfaction?

  42. Ha! People are sad.

  43. This is absolutely brilliant! I nearly fell out of my chair. This is the kind of story that exemplifies why I’m thankful for being gay! Women are crazy and manipulative.

  44. Very funny story. is it true?

  45. Funny

  46. lol. this is great. girlfriend got PLAYED.

  47. To Amanda: I’m sorry to say this, but almost all relationships are established by someone wanting to “do” someone else. We look for partners we want to “do” i.e. by physical attractiveness, or even by financial well-being to choose the best candidates to procreate with, it’s in our nature. Think of money as the male’s colorful plumage that attracts a mate. All animals have sex in order to keep the species going, otherwise there would be no sex at all, for anybody. Humans, however have sex to procreate but also “do” each other for pleasure, which is where the power trip scenario comes into play, and shows why the girl in the joke/story is wrong and a stuck up cunt. To say he doesn’t truly care about her feelings is null and void, because quite frankly who gives a fuck about anyone else’s feelings above their own? She should of thought about his feelings before being such a cock tease, building him up and then just telling him to stop. If you were gonna tell him to stop halfway through you shouldn’t have ever started. No one likes a cock tease Amanda, no one likes a cock tease at all. No one really likes stuck up feminist bitches either, Amanda.

    To Brittany: No your girlfriend is not a hooker, but I can guarantee if all you want is sex, a hooker is much cheaper. And really why do men take women out? Why do they spend money on them? Hell, why do they even ask for their hand in marriage? One simple word: sex. Men want sex and women want rocks and dead flowers. At least men are honest enough not deny their true feelings or instincts.

  48. 1995 wants its joke back

  49. LMAO that was great.

  50. Was a funny story. people take this way too seriously. personally, I hate denying my bf sex, even when i don’t feel good.In return ill usually give a hand job just so he gets some relief, and i tell him straight up if i dont feel like it. its cruel to wait til guys already have a problem to tell them.

    Stereotypes are just that. Not all girls are cruel, greedy lil bitches, not all guys are vengeful horny sex fiends. just remember that while you’re arguing

    funny joke though XD perfect for those couples who are just like it ^^ i give it 8/10

  51. Damn that was funny! I’ll have to remember that one.

  52. jh

  53. Not likely. How many women would actually find everything they’re after at *one* store? This would *only* work with women who consider WalMart to be a fine retail outlet.

  54. AAA material.

  55. This story is 100% real and happened to myself.

    I began a relationship with a girl six months ago:

    Toumaj: I’m very happy that we’re grown up enough to understand our needs and not to expect things the other side cannot satisfy.

    Sara: I’m happy too.

    After our first sex she put her head among her hands:

    Sara: May I call you my husband?
    Toumaj: Hell no! Why? I think we discussed it earlier this morning!

    Then Sara rushed to the bathroom and ate a bunch of pills to show me she was going to have a suicide. I stopped her, hold her and tried to calm her down and I cried and I cried. At last she admitted not to mention marriage again.

    A month later the same thing happened. I began to realize that I’m a bad guy. She needs me and I denied it all and the stuff… So, in order to punish myself for being such a rude monster I told her I’ll marry her in case that I could afford a living.

    A month later she did the same thing again and said that I have to marry her any way, even if I cannot afford an independent living from my parents.

    The story repeated over and over till the last night and each night her expectations grew in a harsh way:

    Sara: You ate an apple this morning. Why not you called me to share it together?

    Crazy huh? I thought that from now on, if I want to pee, then I’m forced to let her pee with me or she’ll suicide!

    So, last night after I “apologized” for being such a fucker not to tell her eat that apple with me and waited all night long for her to knock at my door, I called her myself:

    Toumaj: Why not did you call me all night long after my apology?
    Sara: I had to review my papers for some reason.
    Toumaj: There is NO NEED to visit me now Sara. It’s over.


    Am I a monster like she says? AM I a pussy whipped guy? Am I kind? AM I crazy?


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