7 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Class

1. Have a friend continuously call you on your cell phone and refuse to put it in silent mode. Say there might be an emergency, and you always miss your calls when the cell phone is silent. Alternatively, you could choose to answer one of the calls and pretend to be a valley girl.

2. Spontaneously scream out non-sense words and if anyone asks if you have Tourette’s, say no.

3. Every five minutes, interrupt the professor and ask him a question that he just finished answering in his lecture.

4. Start talking to you imaginary friend, Jimbo. If no one pays any attention to you, get into a loud argument with your new friend.

Jump for the best three.

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Friday Funnies: Smelly Skunk

There was this man and his wife who had gone abroad on holiday and had a great two weeks. At the end of the holiday they had two animals that they wanted to bring back to the U.K.: a snake and a skunk.

They were trying to figure out ways of getting them through customs and into the U.K., without getting caught. The snake was no problem. The wife just suggested he put it down the front of his trousers and if customs said anything, he should just say that he was well endowed. Problem solved.

But they just couldn’t decide on where to put the skunk. After about five hours and getting nowhere the husband just said, “Look, there’s only one thing for it, you’ll just have to put it inside your knickers,” to which the wife replies, “Yes, but what about the smell?”

And the husband says, “Well if it dies, it dies.”

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Friday Funnies: President Bush’s Driver Kills a Pig

George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, “My God, what did you tell them?” The driver replied, “I told them that I’m George W. Bush’s driver and I just killed the pig.”

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Friday Funnies: Capitalism

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

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Friday Funnies: Oops

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

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